Lucy Mangan: Toryboy's turning into a weight on my mind Men Health Issues --> Good Info for Man Issues

Lucy Mangan: Toryboy's turning into a weight on my mind  Men Health Issues --> Good Info for Man Issues

Best Information Focus on Men''s Health Issues

Lucy Mangan: Toryboy’s turning into a weight on my mind

Posted by andissswin on Oct 3rd, 2010 in Acne and Fat 3 comments

This article was written by Lucy Mangan, for guardian.co.uk on Friday 3rd September 2010 23.03 UTC

‘I’m fat,” announces my husband.

“That’s OK, Toryboy,” I say. “Our relationship has never been built on raw physical attraction, but on a kind of sick, intellectual curiosity and an emotional masochism on both our parts that neither of us had hitherto suspected. Your expanding girth will hardly change that.”

“But being overweight leads to heart disease, diabetes and untimely death,” he says.

“That’s OK, too,” I say soothingly. “Haven’t I always told you that the only good Tory is a dead Tory?”

“But you don’t want me to be incapacitated before I go,” he says. “Think how nursing me would cut into your Will & Grace repeats-watching time.”

The man has a point. I pause Will & Grace to look at him properly. A paunch is definitely present.

“How does one lose weight?” he asks.

“Well, there are two ways,” I say. “You can exercise more… ”

After prolonged discussion, during which he is persuaded that I am not hiding some secret third way perhaps involving the weight being licked off by kittens, he eventually plumps (as it were) for dietary emendation.

His ignorance – his swirling, fathomless, pitch-black ignorance – of what this entails is only gradually revealed, however. “I’m just having a sandwich for lunch,” he reveals proudly the next day. I am impressed – usually it’s pasta with a Super Noodles starter – until I see that said “sandwich” is a giant pot of prawn cocktail mix emptied into a bap. I remonstrate.

“But it’s brown bread,” he says.

“That doesn’t make a pint of pink mayonnaise a healthy snack.”

“What about the fact that it’s cold and not what I really want?”

“That is what should count in our favour on all diets,” I say with a sigh. “But never, ever does.”

The next day, he wants to eat a pork pie on the grounds that it’s ”just pork and a bit of pastry”. He appears to be under the impression that the meat in his 79p purchase from the local chain bakery is as pure a piece of porcine goodness as was ever carved off an organic Gloucester Old Spot, rather than a dollop of mashed pig lips and fat mechanically recovered from the abattoir floor. And that the pastry is made from fruit.

Starvation sets in over the next few days because he won’t eat vegetables. Doesn’t like them, won’t eat them.

I’m sorry, did I not mention I am married to an eight-year-old boy?

He cannot or will not grasp the difference between calorific value and ability to satiate. In vain do I draw diagrams and construct equations that seek to show how a carrot can be more filling than a cake at less calorific expense.

Eventually, I invent the Salad Deviation Scale.

“You accept – even though you won’t eat it, because you ‘don’t like leaves’ – that salad is good for you, yes?” I ask him.

If he doesn’t say yes, I promise myself, I will stab him through his engorged and overstrained heart, and put us both out of our misery.

“I am convinced that this is, at least, the prevailing wisdom,” he replies.

This is enough – just – to stay my hand.

“OK then,” I say. “So, before you put anything on your plate or in your mouth, you must ask yourself the following question: ‘How different is this from salad?’ So, if it’s fruit?”

“And you may eat. Anything with fat dripping off or scattered in lumps throughout it?”

“Very different. And I must not eat it.”

I don’t know about him, but I, at least, am a shadow of my former self.

guardian.co.uk © Guardian News and Media Limited 2010

Incoming search terms for the article:lucy mangan husbandlucy mangan tory boylucy mangan toryboyRelated posts:Doctor, doctor: Alcohol and antibiotics, milk and prostate cancer Can I drink alcohol while taking antibiotics? Is there a...

My week: hypnotherapist Dominic Knight I see a girl whose fear of vomiting led to...

When it comes to cancer, my inexperience shows The illness is so new and unpredictable, and that in...

You can’t teach young people safe sex by inserting the letter Z into wordz The worst thing you can do is underestimate teenagers'' intelligence...

What your fingers say about you Did you know the length of your ring finger could...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Excellent blog! I truly love how it is easy on my eyes and the data are well written. I am wondering how I may be notified whenever a new post has been made. I have subscribed to your rss feed which should do the trick! Have a nice day!

Gosh, I’ve been looking about this specific topic for about an hour, glad i found it in your website!

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon.

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Free Trial About Me It is well known that men are much less likely than women to seek basic or routine preventative medical care. But actually, there are more common men''s health problems compare to woman that are can be permanently debilitating, devastating or even fatal if they are not detected until symptoms make themselves known. Common issues of this type include (from simple to live threatening health problem ) like Stammer, Acne and Fat, Hair Loss, Erectile Dysfunction and prostate problems. Hi, My name is Andi, I am 38 Years old. Until now I have experienced all the common men''s health problems such as stammer, acne, hair loss and now erectile dysfunction. So with this blog, I want to share my experiences in finding the cause and possible treatments that are both effective and affordable.Category Acne and Fat (23)

Recent Post The Causes of Impotence

Male students eschew balanced diet in favour of supplements

Can Right Breathing Technique Help You Lose Weight?

You can’t teach young people safe sex by inserting the letter Z into wordz

4 Simple Tips to Treat Grownup Pimples

The painful pursuit of ‘perfect’ feet: Sandie Shaw bought herself a ''foot lift'' for her 60th birthday, she announc... http://bit.ly/avktN0 2010-10-12

Cre-C Shampoo for Hair Regrowing/Regrowth, Avoid Hair Loss: 100% Natural shampoo for Hair Regrowing/Regrowth and A... http://bit.ly/cL8LFA 2010-10-11

My week: hypnotherapist Dominic Knight: I see a girl whose fear of vomiting led to agoraphobia and a man with a dr... http://bit.ly/94laR9 2010-10-11

Blog on a Schedule, Should I?: What’s the perfect job? How about a job where you are your own boss, you set your o... http://bit.ly/djWb3Z 2010-10-10

Weirdness just got weirder: We''re all born Weird, but some are born more weird than others

Related posts:This co... http://bit.ly/bdJIGp 2010-10-09

Posting tweet...Powered by Twitter Tools.Blogroll

T-Mobile smartphone users face unilateral 500MB data cap - and bizarre explanation

Simon Hughes: ''We''re not trying to escape''

Steve Ballmer keynote underwhelms - but hints that Windows has won internal battle

Vince Cable and the Telegraph sting – should he sue?

The Ashes 2010: Australia v England – day one as it happened

Kids Company school faces funding axe

The Ashes: Australia v England – day four as it happened

Powered by WordPress Designed by Elegant Themes

SEO Powered by Platinum SEO from Techblissonline